Overcoming Pain On The Road To Acceptance, Love and Strength

Unsinkable Storytelling Author: Erica Leibovitch

Today's Unsinkable story touches on pain, bravery, hope and healing. Including conversation on bullying, health challenges and the diagnosis of PCOS.  We invite our community members to read our Unsinkable story if it’s the right time for them. Our friends at Crisis Text Line and Better Help are here for you, if you need them.

I had always felt different. In middle school I started to get teased for the way that I looked. At first, the few times I let it go. But the words “Unibrow,” “Fat” and “Ugly” had stayed with me. I did not know any differently. I had always been on the overweight side.  I would go home crying and my mom asking why. She would that I am beautiful. To ignore what others are saying.  

I tried hard to follow her advice. But it continued to happen. I begged her to let me to stay home so I would not have to deal with it. But she insisted I go.   My mom saw how upset I was and finally decided to step in. She came to school with me the next day and spoke to the school. I was grateful she came to stand up for me. I knew what they were doing to me was not right. I wanted to feel okay and go to school. I loved to learn. The bullying did not really go away. But it had lessened. I still did not understand why it happened from the beginning.   My nights and weekends were filled with loneliness and sadness from not having people my own age. I would always be alone in my room listening to music that filled my emptiness and writing to pour out my emotions. 

Listening to music and writing were ways I could express myself when I couldn't do it verbally.  

It was the same time I had started to get my menstrual cycle. I was not sure if girls my age at the time had it too. No one talked about it or was afraid to. I had guessed it was to do with me being different.   I eventually made some friends who accepted me for who I was. I was still unsure on how to go about friendships. But I accepted all invitations to do things together. I felt like I was starting to maybe find people who are okay. That I might be okay. I was. But I was still scarred from the bullying.   

I started high school like most teenagers. I was excited and nervous to go to a new school. I was hoping it would be different than middle school and that I would make some friends. I went to a special high school that was meant for others like myself who had learning disabilities. It was different as we had a lot of life skill courses on top of the regular ones. It was the same time my parents told me the devastating news that mom had a brain tumour.   

I was happy in the first year I started to make friends. We even hung out on weekends. I already knew that things were different, and it felt that way. I started to get acne as my hormones started to act up. I was having my period, but it was irregular. I did not think anything of it and never brought it up as I thought it was normal.   I was in grade ten when I started to lose my mom. She was not able to be in the home as she kept falling with no support while she was alone. Our family made the difficult decision of putting her in the palliative unit. It was the safest place for her to be while we were at school or work.    

I remember the routine of coming to visit her after school and on weekends. One time I came into visit her she had told me she called my school to let them know what was going on. It was also the last time she was my mother as I knew her. She started to go downhill quickly. She no longer felt like my mom. She was just an outer shell of her being. In my mind, she was already gone.  

 It was not until I was coming from a dental appointment with my dad. We received a call from the hospital to come right away. My dad asked me if I wanted to come or go home. The way he said it to me, I said I would go. So, we drove to the hospital. We reached the floor she was on and walked to her room. My dad was in front of me and me behind him. As soon as I walked in the room and my mom saw me, she took her last breath. The nurses knew I had just come from dental surgery, and I was in shock. I started crying. My mom was gone.    

I returned to school feeling different. My days returning from school were quiet. I somehow managed to graduate from high school even with the loss of my mom. My family was so proud of me and what I had accomplished. They said my mom would have been so proud of me too.   After graduation, I had seen my family doctor for my annual physical. She would ask me about my menstrual cycles. I told her it was every few months. She saw my acne; I was overweight and said she was going to send me to a specialist.  

I went to the endocrinologist appointment alone. I had no one to go with. At the appointment, I was told I had polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). The doctor explained to me what it was and all the symptoms that went along with it and it was common for most women. I left the office feeling alone and scared.   The doctor had given me some information about PCOS. I looked at the symptoms again and realized how much of it I did have. I had looked in the mirror and started to realize all the hair growth I was starting to see.  As I continued to grow up, I noticed more the hair on my body in places that other girls did not have it. How I had trouble losing weight. It was constant battle of emotions. Going clothes shopping was harder as most of the clothes were full of solids, florals, and stripes or looked like my grandma designed them.   

This battle continued to go on about clothes and my body. My friends were dating, and I was not. I was afraid to date due to my body. I had understood that dating meant from going from a kiss to more intimacy and that was something I was not comfortable with.  I hated my body. I would continue to eat my feelings. This went on for years. My hair on my head started to thin out and it would be hard to style it.  

 I asked my family doctor about some of the symptoms I was having, and she referred me back to the same endocrinologist as I had seen a few years earlier. At the appointment I was asked lots of questions about my cycle and the other symptoms. She then took me to the exam room and said she was going to do a PAP exam. I told her I was not sexually active and she did not want to do it. She told me to ask my family doctor to do it.  I went back to my family doctor as suggested and explained. She did not want to do it either as it was deemed unnecessary as I am not sexually active.   

As I entered my early thirties, I spoke to my doctor about my periods still being irregular and what to do. My periods when they came were so painful that they would become debilitating. My cry for help only resulted in a few ultrasounds with no conclusive results and a combination of over-the-counter medication. This went on for years. I was so exhausted about living this way. Every time my cycle would come it would be a constant fear of when the pain would come. This resulted in missed work or social activities. I asked myself if this was worth it.    

Only recently my doctor finally started to take my painful periods seriously. It happened only because I had an extremely heavy bleeding on one cycle. I lost so much blood that I had to request a drug to help stop it. As a result, I also had low iron levels. It was not easy as I didn’t know the right questions to ask or where to go. 

It was through the support of family, friends and my therapist to encourage to keep asking for help. For those who have to self-advocate for themselves, it's important to have a support team around you. Even if it's only one person. I had to keep reminding myself mentally that there will be answers and results. It's just finding that right person to help make that change. 

 I was so happy to finally see a gynaecologist who can potentially help me live a life with less pain and to help me manage my PCOS.  The latest ultrasound provided answers.  I am grateful to finally being on the right path, with the right medications. It is a slow process.   As a result of being bullied, the traumatic loss of my mom and my PCOS I have always struggled with my anxiety all my life. Going to therapy to help me manage my thoughts and feelings has been a big help. A close friend and family were also a source of support. They encouraged me to keep going and sympathized with my what I was going through. They listened without judgement and encouraged me to seek medical assistance.

I would encourage others who are having to advocate for themselves to keep telling your medical professionals of the issues you are facing. To not take no for an answer. You will find the answers and eventually someone is going to help you find the path that you need to find the hope you have been searching for to find relief.  My battle with PCOS is a lifelong journey of finding balance in both my physical and mental well-being. My body image will always be a daily struggle as I learn to love myself both on the inside and out. It had taken me awhile to figure out what the balance was. I was still learning and still am about my PCOS. Today my balance consists of taking my medications regularly, going to therapy as needed, knowing my limitations on my energy levels and what I can or cannot do. To be gentle with myself if I am having a rough day and know that the next day will start over again.  

It’s important to implement self-care activities in your schedule so that you have some time dedicated to you. For me self-care ranges from going to therapy, attending laser hair removal appointments to spending time writing or crafting.

It has taken me a very long time to love myself on the inside. I didn’t think I would ever find people who would be interested in getting to know me and my interests. The power of social media, my jobs and my hobbies have allowed me to branch out of my shell and to share my talents. People are drawn to my personality and creative soul. I am grateful to have those connections.  I am still not comfortable with my outside. It's going to take some time for me to be 100% comfortable.   Self-love takes time. It’s about accepting my flaws on my inside and out one day at a time. It’s knowing that we all have our own imperfections and we are worthy to be in the same space.  

Erica Leibovitch is from Ottawa, ON. She works in customer service by day. By night she can be found writing, crafting or working on her business Fragments Mental Health. Fragments: Building the Pieces Together is a mental health and awareness brand through merchandise and workshops that was established in 2018. Our name comes from the meaning of understanding the fragments of our past that have presented it to ourselves presently. As we explore these thoughts and emotions with a trusted mental health professional, we learn to build the pieces together and understand them.  

Feeling inspired by Erica’s story? You can connect with her here:  

Facebook: Erica Leibovitch 

Instagram: @erica_leibovitch 

Twitter: @Erica Leibovitch