Toxic Relationships

Author: Kristiyana Yordanova

As a published author I expressed my feelings through poetry in my first book called “Forbidden Words” This book signified the difficult journey that women often have to go through in order to build character and strength. The poetry is an authentic account of the numerous emotions I experienced during this challenging period of my life and I want to share it with other women. 

“Forest Fire”

The toxicity in our relationship,

filled our lungs,

until each breath,

felt like wheezing through a forest fire, 

I closed my eyes,

and imagine the ruins,

which we left behind.

Only ashes,

and remnants of what used to be ours. 

The unfinished blueprints,

rolled out on a vintage table,

in a lonely attic,

as the dust particles were forming in the air.

He now only remained in my memory,

tucked away,

in a diamond-lined box,

with our engraved initials,

it was seldom opened, 

because I was afraid of the contents I might find inside.

My heart would ache,

with the flooding of memories,

the pure love 

of two people 

who could not fulfill their purpose

of being eternally faithful.

Their eyes couldn’t interlock,

with anyone else. 

Possessive, controlling, jealous,

Hands crossed, pointing fingers, screaming fits.

but I was always his, 

and he was always mine.

He owned the key to my heart,

he could shatter me into pieces with one word. 

I could see his heart beating faster with every word, 

and every stare

he couldn’t handle himself

shaking with my presence 

fearing what would come next.

Toxic Relationships

I believe many young women have been in relationships where their significant other becomes toxic and exhibits negative behaviour towards them. This has many implications on how you view yourself as well as your self esteem. After being a victim numerous times, I began to notice patterns which I should be avoiding. In retrospect toxic relationships are very powerful. It is hard to walk away, because the relationship usually begins with a magnetic attraction paired with an addiction to the highs and lows. However, you will be more well equipped if you initially notice the warning signs. 

One of the most frequent warning signs is the love-bombing. Even though it may not be present in every initial stage, it is important to take notice. This occurs when someone is smothering you with love, neediness and plans for the future. While this may appear attractive at first, be wary if it continues. Toxic relationships are often difficult due to the predicament you are in. While you may love the person deeply, your partner often imposes rules and restrictions on you. They try to control you through emotional manipulation. You lose your sense of self in these types of relationships, because your self esteem is deeply rooted in the relationship. And so breaking up, or walking away seems like it will cause you to lose who you are. However, after you become aware of the repetitive negative cycles of the relationship, then you can begin the journey of detaching and ending the relationship. 

There are two very important lessons when it comes to toxic relationships. It is unhealthy to fully depend on another person for your well being. While you may share things with your partner, you should always have other things outside of your relationship which make you happy and passionate.  The other lesson you need to be aware of how you deserve to be treated. You need to feel confident in yourself, and what you can potentially offer in a relationship. Make sure to be transparent with yourself, and even write down a list of things which you will not tolerate. This way, once you see the red flags you will feel confident and trust your own judgement when to end the negative cycle.

After my experience with toxic relationships I managed to develop greater self esteem and self compassion, and it is something which I am consistently working towards. The first step, was to begin accepting myself fully. After feeling like my self concept was shattered, I decided to no longer be ashamed of parts of me which I disliked, I understood that everyone has flaws. I also spent many years actively working on myself, by watching TED talks, healing my traumas alongside a psychologist, and reading various self help books. I wanted to achieve peace within myself, by resolving negative thought patterns and becoming aware of how I was harming myself.

Ultimately it’s a choice, how you want to live your life. I choose to be my own best friend, to provide compassion even in difficult times. Once you invest so much time and energy into yourself, your confidence naturally blossoms. I believe everyone has the power to make this choice. The choice to make a change starting from this moment.

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Kristiyana Yordanova is the author of Forbidden Words, a mental health advocate and the founder of Woman Squared. We asked her what led her to starting her organisation and what she hoped to achieve. In her words: 

I was led to start the foundation Woman Squared because I noticed it was a niche field in education that wasn’t often discussed. While many of us suffer toxic relationships in silence. It is still considered somewhat of a taboo subject, I want to begin the conversation making others feel safe opening up about their experiences and removing the shame and stigma. I also provide educational workshops called the power of walking away, which makes you understand the emotions and manipulation that plays such a large role in these types of relationships. It is vital that we teach young girls and children especially about the warning signs, in order to avoid these traumatic experiences in the future.

Toxic relationships can deeply affect your life in a negative way, I hope to bring light to this worldwide issue and convince women that they are strong enough to make the right choices. You are not defined by your circumstances, you can rewrite your story and your future. It is never too late. 

We also asked Kristiyana what it means to be Unsinkable. Her response: 

To me, what it means to be unsinkable is the ability to persevere, no matter the obstacles which we often face in life. We are stronger than we think, we have the ability to adapt and transform through our pain and suffering. We face each issue keeping in mind that this is a lesson in disguise. We grow and develop into a better individual each day by practising small acts of kindness. We see the miracles in our everyday reality and refuse to give up, even if it means that we have to lose parts of ourselves in the process which we no longer identify with.