Quiet At Home

Unsinkable Author: Dancia Susilo

This Unsinkable story discusses sexual abuse. We invite our community to read it only if it's the right time for them! If you're struggling, please reach out to the Crisis Text Line or Kids Help Phone.

More and more documentaries and tell-alls are coming out about the world and life of child stars. Now, I’m no child star, but I was a child in the industry. As videos and snippets flash on my screen about these documentaries, I go to the comments. So many are asking: “where were the parents?” “how could their dad allow this?” and so many more asking about the parental role. 

As I said, I was a child in the industry. I was 3 when I told my parents my dream of becoming a singer. I wanted to be famous like Hilary Duff. I wanted my own TV show and to release albums and perform at concerts. My family wasn’t happy about this, knowing how difficult it is to be successful, especially as an Asian kid at the time. Our financial situation didn’t help either. 

I started modelling when I was 5. I worked with companies such as Disney, Yamaha, Costco, and more. I honestly can’t remember much but it was always drilled into my head that networking was key. When I didn’t like something or thought something was messed up, my dad would tell me that’s how the industry is and I just accepted it. 

I was 8 when I started theatre acting. I really enjoyed it and I had a talent for it. First audition ever and I had the leading role. It came naturally to me and I never had things like stage fright or performance anxiety. My mom said she’d support me in my dreams but it’s up to me to find my own opportunities. I was fine with that. Things were going well until I got a call from an agency who wanted to sign me. I picked out my outfit a week in advance, I practiced a few songs, and took to the internet for advice. I asked my dad if my outfit would be okay. He liked it. He always had better fashion sense according to my mom so I didn’t bother to ask anyone else. 

Audition night came and when I stepped out, my mom said my outfit wasn’t cohesive. I didn’t know what to do. We were going to be late if I had to find something else and I wasn’t a fashion forward girl. I went anyway with that outfit. As I stepped into that room, I felt performance anxiety for the first time. She asked me to sing. I did - off key. She told me to stop. I was relieved that the nightmare was over because I knew with that start, I needed to just start over. She didn’t ask me to try again. I stood in that room as both the agent and my dad told me over and over again how horrible that was. She criticized my song choice and how I sang. Fair. I wasn’t bothered by that. She said she couldn’t sign me but maybe I was ill prepared. I bit my tongue. She told me to come back in a week with a new song. 

I was excited to get another chance and was going to work harder and choose a better song… or so I thought. My dad yelled at me the whole ride home and when we finally arrived at the house, he didn’t let me go to bed and yelled at me some more. How dare I embarrass him like that? He was now horrible by association. I have now ruined my dad’s reputation with my horrible singing and have tainted him as a liar because he tells people I have a good singing voice. Why must I ruin everything? He told me right there we weren’t going back to that audition and for me to deal with it. 

I learned two things at this point in my life: if I wanted to find opportunities or success, I could only rely on myself; and if I mess up, it’s better to do it in private, without my family knowing. I submitted applications on my own as usual. I networked on my own as usual. Now, I wouldn’t include my family in any audition processes. There were a lot of online auditions at this point so I took advantage of that. There were lots of email submissions and video submissions. Eventually there would be calls and video calls. 

Another thing to note is that my dad loved to put me down. One day he’d be telling me that I’m so ugly that no one will ever want to be with me. The next day he’d tell me no one could ever love me and that guys will only use me for sex. He didn’t think highly of me and would try to convince me to become a stripper to pay for my education - because how else can I expect to have money? Surely, I don’t have the brains for it. 

This combination put me in precarious situations and talking to questionable people. Although my mom didn’t want me talking to strangers online, how else was I supposed to network and find opportunities for myself? I thought my mom was being over protective, as she often was. She had a history of going over the top in being protective for valid reasons we won’t get into today. By the time I was 13, I felt my work paid off. I was doing a variety of things in the media/arts and entertainment industry and was gaining a consistent income. I thought I knew what I was doing, and in a way, I did. I just didn’t know how dark the industry could be. 

People didn’t outright ask me to get strip or do something sexual most of the time but it was always primed in me. Looking back, I think they were grooming me. I was constantly told that I wouldn’t be a successful model unless I got comfortable with being naked in front of the camera. A few suggested I practiced by taking nudes of myself. They didn’t ask for any images but they wanted me to practice and they often followed up on that. Perhaps they were planning on hacking my devices or maybe they got off at the thought of me doing what I was told. Some of them were more taunting. They’d ask when I was going to do my first risque shoot and when I told them I wasn’t comfortable and I wouldn’t go that route, they’d say I was naive. They’d tell me that it was bound to happen or I’ll never see success. 

When I was 15 I had my first music video opportunity. It was in New York City. I had negotiated a contract over $30k, including transportation, hotel, security, and food. The only thing was, I’d be dancing in nothing but a thong in the middle of the streets of New York. I approached my parents and I could tell my mom was weary. I didn’t tell them how much it paid but that it would cover myself plus a parent to come with me and still make money. Deep down, I was hoping they’d say no. My dad got to call the shots on this because he was more familiar with the industry. He said yes. I felt tension in my body. 

He said it’s ultimately up to me to accept the contract or not but in this line of work, this is normal and if you want to get ahead quickly, you need to be comfortable with these types of things. He didn’t push me into it but he only made points as to why I should do it. I defeatedly said okay. It’s like I was trying to convince myself to do it. I went to school the next day and in one of my courses, we had 1:1 time with our teacher (in a full classroom) for a project we were doing. He noticed I was off and I told him about my opportunity. He reminded me a lot of my godfather and I had opened up to him about quite a lot. He knew my values, ambitions, extracurriculars, and which girl I liked even though I wasn’t “out” yet. He didn’t tell me to reject the opportunity but he didn’t encourage me to take it either. He sensed I was worried about it and told me not to do anything I wasn’t fully comfortable with. He said if I needed to take time off school to do the video, he’d accommodate me and support me but only if I was sure it was what I wanted. 

That gave me the courage to turn down such a high paying gig in a city that made you feel like you’ve made it. I was afraid of what my parents would say so I just told them they decided to move in a different direction. I was steadfast in working within my boundaries but even so, there was always someone trying to groom me along the way. 

When I was 16, there was a photographer who was smitten with me. He was kind and covert in the way he flirted. In Canada, 16 is the legal age of consent. He pretended to be conflicted with the age gap (despite the fact he lied about his age and was actually 42). He became my best friend and I had no interest in a romantic relationship with him but we worked well together. I wasn’t necessarily his model but we’d work on projects together in which I got to direct photoshoots for the first time. 

The sexual abuse in our “friendship” developed and grew without my knowledge and understanding. When I told him I was leaving the city for university, he tried to get me to stay. I wanted to leave the city to get away from my father. I could see the panic in him. Suddenly he was asking me to move in with him. He wanted me to meet his mother and told me he wanted to marry me. He tried to get me to go with him to a jeweler to buy me an engagement ring. He wanted me to see what he had picked out. It had a huge diamond. At that point, the manipulation dawned on me. I lost my spark and my excitement of moving to a new city and starting a career in a new industry. At this point, I was just determined to run away from everything I ever knew. 

Connect with Dancia here:

Instagram: @DanciaKS 

Facebook: Dancia Susilo

X: @DanciaKS 

Linkedin: www.linkedin.com/in/danciaks

Personal website: www.danciaks.com 

Also check out Dancia’s poetry book that showcases the use of Mindfulness for healing: https://danciaks.bandcamp.com/merch/words-unspoken-physical-copy