Nerdo-Divergent
A Neuro A-Typical’s Journey Through the Storm of Mental Health Through Acceptance and Diagnosis
Author: Stephanie celso
For a high school graduation present, my father took me to see David Copperfield. We both enjoyed the show, although my father pointedly kept referring to the fact that he could figure out how most of the tricks were done. Years later, he attended a Penn and Teller show in Las Vegas, which he thought was still entertaining despite showing the audience the secrets behind the illusions.
When I first heard of these headliners’ unconventional approach, I learned the terms they used to explain how they created the tricks for their audience. As an individual with limited interpersonal skills, I noticed that these were the very things I did to fit in (or mask) in social situations.
Split focus: try to distract others with trivia or movie facts so they wouldn’t see me not drinking or following along with people at a party.
Audience patter: follow a script like a code, which would enable me to mimic how to fit in with the group through observing others in interests I didn’t understand.
Misdirection: instead of answering questions I was uncomfortable with on how my life was going, frame events through phrases such as “but it’s ok because…”, “I don’t really,” etc.
It wasn’t until I picked up a book called American Nerd that I realized that most of the mental illness I had experienced in my life could be traced back to my suspicion that I had a condition, and now I had found a name for it: autism.
It was then that I realized that I had spent my whole life performing illusions. I was using these techniques to put on a show that I hoped wouldn’t have an audience member like my father, scoffing, “I know how you did that.” But then, I realized that I enjoyed magic—not because I believed in it—but because I loved the escapism, entertainment, and story. There were others like me who might know how the illusion worked behind the scenes but still wanted to have fun.
When I was formally diagnosed (also with ADHD), my doctor told me that mental illness is something prevalent in neuro-divergent individuals because of the constant attempt to ‘fit in’ to a world that is not meant for them. This is usually because those formerly known as having Asperger’s or high-functioning ASD appear able to cope with the demands of life in school, jobs, and relationships.
So I decided that I was going to be the best version of myself that I could be. I went on trips by myself and had a great time. I even met a celebrity idol of mine at a show taping in LA and embarked on my first cruise in ages. I find the message of being Unsinkable very fitting as I love travelling by sea; it’s important to try and remind myself that despite the occasional stormy weather there is always a change in the sky soon after—and help available—in the event of unexpected rescue.
I made friends with people in social situations with interests that I thrived in such as cosplay and music. I tried activities that I had been too timid for in high school such as theatre productions. The past few years have been a challenging time, but I continue to work through my diagnosis and everything that comes with it. Every so often, I’ll find some real magic, such as my husband who accepted me for who I am within one week of us each signing up on the same online dating service (he’s now my travel companion).
On our last vacation, I noticed our ship docked near that first cruise I had travelled on by myself. It was a fitting connection between the person I am both currently and formally; there is room for both of us at the same port. It is nice knowing that whatever the weather, I know I can hunker down and ride out the storm. Plus, it’s always nice to be able to attend some real magic shows every now and then where I get to be the spectator.
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Call to action: I have greatly enjoyed my experience at Big Brothers and Sisters and I encourage people to volunteer with them in any capacity esp given the last few years!