The Gifts of Fatherhood

Written By

Author: Tim Lytle

TW: This Unsinkable story discusses suicidal ideation, depression, and anxiety. We invite our community to read it only if it's the right time for them. If you're struggling, please reach out to the Crisis Text Line or Kids Help Phone.

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For much of my life, I’ve experienced a base level of depression and anxiety. At times, this spiraled into something much darker and harder to bear, draining my sense of enjoyment and happiness. For many years I thought that this was how life was for everyone—a long and sometimes joyless grind punctuated with moments of levity. Even my happier times felt burdened, and in retrospect, my relationships, opportunities, and health all suffered as a result.

I recall one powerful experience, driving across the Lion’s Gate Bridge in Vancouver, while I lived there years ago. In spite of it being a beautiful, sunny morning, with bluebird skies above and the North Shore mountains ahead of me, I was gripped by a thought: by simply turning the wheel to one side or the other, I could send the vehicle and myself careening off the bridge and into welcome oblivion—respite from the incessant rumination that consumed me.

They say that those who stare into the abyss should take care that the abyss doesn’t stare back into them. Who knew the abyss could appear as sunny blue skies and mountain peaks? This pivotal moment prompted me to seek support from my physician, triggering the beginning of my own journey of discovery around mental health support, well-being and resilience.

In spite of experiences like these, I nonetheless discovered many things to be passionate about—movement, martial arts, travel, adventure, reading, writing, music, and art have all sustained me. 

But nothing has had as profound an impact on my life as becoming a father.

Nothing inspires me to reach as far as I can—toward becoming the person I want to be—more than my daughter. When I became a father I felt all of my life’s experiences (and some other deep untapped knowledge) all come to the fore. At the same time, I’d never felt so vulnerable or exposed. I said that nothing has had as profound an impact on my life as becoming a father, but perhaps most importantly, I was motivated by the thought of becoming one.

Prior to fatherhood, one caveat I made with myself, alongside my amazing partner, was to seek help for my lifelong anxiety, especially as the time for this profound life change drew near. I connected with a therapist through St. Joseph’s Health Centre—Dr. Andrew Howlett. Eventually, Dr. Howlett invited me to join the Father’s Mental Health group he had founded, which I started attending shortly after my daughter was born. For over five years I attended the group regularly, shared my own struggles, learned about the lives and challenges of other fathers, and sought support from them. 

Attending the Father’s group expanded both my capacity for empathy and my ability to practice it with others. It was the catalyst for me to begin exploring ways I could help others: through the lens and platform of my own experience and growth as a partner and father. My gratitude to the group participants and Dr. Howlett is profound—this community provided me with the opportunity for the self-reflection and growth I needed to get to the point where I now see helping others as the way forward.

My experiences as part of the group also helped me understand my identity—I learned my strengths and honestly addressed my shortcomings as a father. From the time my daughter was born, my partner and I began taking her out with us. I took her on walks with me from week one—her little body bound tightly against my chest, a long cloth wrapped two or threefold around us. We started with trips for coffee, where she would peek out at the staff from her cozy abode inside my sweater. On winter nights when she couldn’t sleep, I would bundle her up and we’d sit on the bench at the top of the hill in the park nearby. She chirped sweetly from inside my coat. We graduated to Chinatown and Kensington Market adventures in her stroller, where she now knows the shops and streets almost by heart.

Those outings became the foundation of our relationship. I try to bring the world to my daughter, showing her that the city she is growing up in is hers to explore. I teach her how to be safe and smart, but not scared. One of the proudest moments I had as a father was when—at around six years old—she explained her way of assessing people: “Daddy,” she said, “I wave and say hello to someone, and if they wave and say hello back, I know they’re ok.”

Fatherhood has given me many gifts, such as a sense of purpose and meaning that I hadn’t fully grasped before. It is the great leveller against which I now make decisions, think about my life, and set goals. Yet, fatherhood alone can’t sustain me—I’ve learned that I need to care for myself so I can care for others. My self-care involves fitness, mindfulness, study, connecting with the outdoors, and effective medication. I’ve been fortunate to connect with a fitness community nearby my home that offers flexible training depending on the season of my life. I first joined Striation 6 to lift weights and exercise more generally, but then re-discovered Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu with the Higashi Academy. This has been an important part of my life off and on since.

After taking some time away when life got too busy, I’ve been getting back on the mats and looking forward to continuing to grow and learn with Senseis Ana Feliz and Jose Eudes Monteiro. I lift weights twice a week with my coach David Slade and feel my strength growing consistently (a good place to be nearing 47 years of age).

I’m not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but when I feel and believe that I’m good enough, I can see the result immediately reflected back at me—my daughter is the best acid test for how I’m performing.

I always had a dream of combining my passion for the outdoors, my own journey as a father, and my vision to help others. Last year, with two incredible friends/colleagues—Co-Founder of the backcountry trip guiding company The Trip Shed, Alex Savatti, and Founder of the mental health advocacy group Starts With Me, Mike Stroh—we hosted The Hero’s Journey, an inaugural 3-day excursion in Algonquin Park for men experiencing life and mental health challenges. This September we will be leading the next installment of what will hopefully be a project that continues to grow, guiding men and fathers experiencing life challenges into the restorative environment that nature provides.

Over the course of my journey, the biggest shifts in my thinking have been around integrating my past experiences with depression into my life, rather than avoiding them—I had to heal rather than try to ‘fix’ myself. Reflecting on my life now, I feel an enormous sense of gratitude. Sometimes, it hits me on the subway, finishing up at the gym, driving home from the supermarket, or just sipping a cup of coffee in the morning—I grasp a deep feeling of gratitude and love for my daughter, my partner, friends and family, the life I’m blessed to live, my health, and the ability to train, work and do things I love. The natural evolution is to continue to find ways to help others, and in doing so, continue to learn, grow, and help myself.

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About Tim: I am a father, partner, son, friend and brother, born and raised in Toronto, ON. For about 12 years I lived in Vancouver, BC, parts of which I still consider my spiritual home. Growing up in and around downtown Toronto was a blessing. This exposed me to the many facets and cultures of the city and had a profound impact on my worldview and values. I have been showing my amazing and hilarious 7-year-old daughter the many corners of Toronto since she was a baby. We have in common a boundless curiosity for life and the people around us, and a shared passion for noodle soup. I'm also a partner to my amazing spouse, and supervise two rescue dogs of remarkably different sizes and personalities. 

I work as a recruiter for a global outdoor equipment brand, which fulfills my dual passions of connecting with and learning about people (and getting outdoors myself). I love being active, reading, training in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, and doing yoga. My aim ultimately is to bring together my passion for sport, movement, outdoor adventure, and mental health advocacy to support and inspire people to live whole and fulfilling lives whatever their background or culture.

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Call to action: join Tim on the next Hero’s Journey—visit thetripshed.ca for info and to register! You can also connect with:

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Photo credits:

  1. Ana Beatriz Felix

  2. Annaliese Hessler: @annaliese_the_beast

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